Letter from Georgina

On 9^th August 1998 I celebrated the third anniversary of my victory over obsessive compulsive disorder. St Vincent's Anxiety Disorders Clinic gave me a new life.

Living with OCD off but more often on, for twelve years is not a very good life. Consider the following:

Continually looking and searching for the answer to an unanswerable but seemingly life and death question which incessantly plagues your mind; a question which makes you feel compelled to search for the answer at the expense of any other thoughts, activities or conversations; believing with immense relief you've found the answer, only to uncover some other reasonable doubt for the debate hence leading you back to the incessant queries and cloud-like fog which descends over the front of your mind; awful and at times suicidal terror at the possibility of your fears being real; feeling so helpless, believing that there's absolutely no way out of this mock hell; yet knowing that focusing your whole life around this fear is almost idiotic; seeing your friends live fulfilling and interesting lives - leaving you feeling even more hopeless and alone; seeing your distraught family look on in anguish at the fear in your eyes and the seemingly unstoppable unbreakable obsessions; and unaccountable tears.

In 1995, thanks to an insightful diagnosis and referral by Dr Peter Klug and the persistence of Merran Lindsay and Rocco Crino I was pushed over the edge of fear. I was very resistant to the "exposure and response prevention", not believing that I actually had an anxiety disorder! Instead I believed my feared obsession was true and that I was too cowardly to confront it! Well, funnily enough, that is what I had to do - confront it. Before I eventually learnt how to live with the idea without contributing to the internal debate, I likened confronting the idea to jumping over a cliff. With OCD, one often feels afraid of carrying out some uncontrollable action and even contemplating not controlling the possible action or not "answering" the thought seemed absolutely crazy! After I learnt how to live with the idea without contributing to the internal debate, I likened confronting the idea to falling over onto a floor covered in big thick fluffy cushions and soft, warm doonas. What revelation!!

Since the conquest, there have been times when I begin to obsessively worry about the same issues but each time I am able to use the strategies to live with the feared idea, thus have ever-diminishing fear.

Without a doubt, 9^th August 1995 was the best day of my life. Now two years down the track, I truly do feel like a different person. When I remember how I thought and what I felt during those torturous times, I am amazed and humbly thankful.

Anybody who is still living with OCD really must pursue learning the techniques of living with the feared idea. The idea truly does become positively unscary and at times quite amusing! Your life is so important and to live with miserable OCD is just not worthy of you. Life is meant to be much, much more.

Letter from Sophie

Journey into Social Phobia and Nearly Back

I have often wondered how long my social phobia has been with me. Quite distinctly the last 7 years. Before that I guess it lay dormant waiting for the right life situation. Disguised by disturbing bouts of biological depression and difficult crises that created prolonged stress. The family I grew up in was dominated by my father's rage. Creating a constant veil of tension and fear. In retrospect I can see my father was/is a social phobic. I believe he suffered panic attacks - not understanding all this and being from his generation it was more acceptable from him (being a man) to be angry than to show fear. The only way he had to express his terror of social situations (& people in general) was to "let off steam" and project his rage on to his wife and children. He was a "rageaholic" rather than an alcoholic, as I'm sure many socially phobic people also become.

By nature I was a friendly, extroverted child. Very difficult as I was not allowed to bring friends home or have much of a social life. At school I appeared perfectly normal and very responsible - class captain, prefect etc etc. I guess even though a very different personality to my father I took on his social phobia (in adult life) without even knowing it. Children do that i.e. absorb stuff from their parents that they don't take responsibility for.

At 18 I was diagnosed with biological depression. A hideous shock to me as my greatest desire was to shake off the tension of my past, to get on with life and above all, enjoy myself. I couldn't understand this depression stuff. It just didn't fit with my plans of making up for lost time and enjoying being a fun loving party girl (away from home at Teachers' College). Biological Depression would hit whenever I overdid it. I became a teacher - I had many happy years - travelling overseas, working and meeting lots of people. It would seem just when I'd be getting along in life and establishing myself, along would come another bout of biological depression - causing me to isolate myself sometimes 10 months at a time. I would lose important relationships in the process. So began my love/hate relationship with anti-depressants. I felt a lot of shame and confusion about these depressions. I would once again build up my shattered self confidence and get going. Each time losing more and more confidence.

I became a single parent. As life has it I met a seemingly lovely man who (like Daddy) would become abusive and violent if under stress. So I have raised my daughter (now 10) on my own. As staying with the father would have been too much like my first stab at family life. My self confidence was shattered but I was determined my daughter would not grow up in the terror of a violent household. I gathered together what snippets of courage I had and moved to a beautiful coastal town (5 hours south of Sydney) to avoid Sydney's crippling rental market and basically avoid Sydney and start my life all over again. I worked hard at creating a lovely home and garden. Started a workshop and began fabric printing, selling my fabrics at the local markets. I eventually ran a large play group. Family Support Services also employed me to establish a "Parent Time Off" Group which is still functioning today. True to form just when I thought I was blossoming and laid all the ghosts of my past to rest I started (out of the blue) blushing profusely in most social situations. I would go very red and become very hot. I started to avoid situations that caused it. This was very stressful to me as I was quite sociable . Along came biological depression. True to form just when I felt I was blossoming. Defeated I returned to Sydney determined to get help properly. I was very angry at my life being sabotaged again. I was tired of going to psychiatrists preoccupied with anti-depressants and never giving me proper life skills at prevention. I was determined to devote myself to healing - going within and finding out what this biological depression business is about in my life. I eventually found a psychologist who helped me save my life.

She was more concerned with me and what had/was happening inside me than how many pills I should be taking. I learnt boundaries. I mostly learnt to nurture and care for me. By the time I was working with her panic attacks had also come to join the fray of unwanted symptoms. As returning to face Sydney again wasn't easy. Eventually I did the course at the Anxiety Clinic. Cognitive Therapy was/is invaluable to me. By the time I did the course I was felling good about myself but determined to face (red face) the panic stuff.

Now my goal is to accept myself totally. I want to use my experiences and insights. Insights that have come from a lot of struggle. I am now confident in me and want to use my talents within healthy boundaries. Dysfunctional families don't teach boundaries they just teach fear. Anyway I want to finish this on a positive note. I am proud of the courage and self respect it has taken to get this far. I am gradually becoming more at ease in social situations. My daughter and I have just joined a canoe club and love it. I do a lot of dance, swim and do big walks regularly. I move through depressions very quickly and learn from each one. I have the odd bad day but mostly I enjoy myself.

Letter from Jill

The Trials and Tribulations of Panic, Anxiety and Agoraphobia

It was with a little humour and a lot of sadness that I reflected on one very bad day last summer. I had been sitting in my "sick" chair with a terrible headache and very little hope for the future. The heat was really oppressive and my anxiety and panic attacks were coming thick and fast. My everyday routine of breathing, tapes, relaxation methods etc were all doing nothing to alleviate the problem. So I decided that I would take a walk down to the river. As I stood watching the very dirty fast running river flowing by I decided that I had had enough of this thing that was completely ruining mine and my children's lives. I would just topple into the water and being a poor swimmer the current would just carry me away. As I moved toward the unsteady bank I was overwhelmed by the great urgency to get home. Yes I had agoraphobia what was I doing here and I quickly raced home. Having agoraphobia probably saved my life that day.

Letter from Cindy

I am writing to you with my story in the hope that it may help even one other person with panic attacks or any other disorder. I began experiencing panic attacks at about 12 years old, I had no idea what they were and I thought I was dying. I was having attacks at least once a day at school for about 6 months and after that I would go through stages. I seemed to mainly suffer attacks when away from my parents, but would sometimes still have an attack even when they were around. I remember seeing counsellors, doctors, psychiatrists and many other people and no-one seemed to know what was wrong, or at least they didn't tell me. I felt that I was the only person in the world who had ever experienced such a thing.

In grade 10 I decided to spend my last two years of school in a small boarding school in Sydney. I knew if I didn't go I would spend the rest of my life depending on my parents and this I didn't want. The two years spent at boarding school were hell for me and my parents. Every night I would panic and whenever I could I would call my parents to ask them to come and get me. When my parents did visit I would be fine and want to stay, as soon as they got home from visiting me I would call them in panic again. After boarding school I spent a miserable year in Sydney working and moving around trying to find happiness, I was spending all my money seeing a psychologist about once a week at $120/hour just to have someone to talk to. At the end of this year I moved away from Sydney to a country town 12 hours away from my parents with a man who was to be my future husband. We lived in this town without any family and he travelled away 3 to 4 nights every week leaving me on my own - I can remember one night at about 2am nearly jumping out of the window onto his car while screaming for him not to go. Although he was sympathetic to my problem, this was his job and he had to go. I started to drive 2 hours a week to see a psychiatrist and he suggested I go on medication. I was afraid of drugs and I still hoped there was another way although I had no idea what it was.

After 9 months we moved to Brisbane and I started the search for an alternative solution to my problem, that to me still had no name. I attended self-help courses on positive thinking, meditation and life skills seminars. I saw a stress management counsellor regularly for 4 years, I read a lot of books and attended a lot of courses. I was beginning to control the attacks - I knew when they were starting and I developed techniques to minimise them, although I still had them when I even thought of being on my own. I now understood that this was going to be something I was going to have to live with for the rest of my life, even though I was still searching for a miracle cure. When I was on my own I became obsessed with how long it was before my husband was due home, counting down in anyway I could, how many meals, showers, cups of coffee etc. until he came home - it was still ruining my life even though I thought I had it under control.

In 1994 we moved to the country town I now live in, I was coping well with life and living with my disorder. My husband had a job where he didn't have to travel much and this made me happy. I still searched for answers to my problem by reading books and travelling to Sydney to do courses. It is hard to believe that it was only at this point that I discovered that my disorder had a name and that other people suffered from it.

In 1997 I discovered my miracle when a friend told me of a Kinesiologist. I made an appointment for the next day. Kinesiology is a form of holistic healing that uses meridians, lymphatic points, neurovascular points, body work along with many other techniques to detect and correct various imbalances in the body. After the fifth session of Kinesiology my husband had to go away for a week - never had I been left alone for that long and for 13 years I had not spent a night alone without having a panic attack. I spent the whole week my husband was away actually enjoying being myself - I was not just coping, but I was actually enjoying it - it felt as though the panic had actually left my body. I am now a practitioner of Kinesiology and my two children (6 years and 3 years) and I are happily living on our own. I never believed that I would be in a position in my life where I would actually enjoy being by myself and I guess that allows me to enjoy it so much more as I really appreciate the ability to enjoy it.

I wanted to share my story with others to give hope that it is possible to totally get rid of this disorder and although Kinesiology may not be the answer for everyone there are a lot of alternatives available, if some technique or some book works for someone and not for you - don't give up, there is something out there that is designed for you. I believe that different methods will help different people and that there is not just one way of dealing with our problems, we have to keep searching until we find the answer for us, then spread the work in the hope that it may help someone else, even by just telling them not to give up their search for their answer. I am really happy when I look back on my life and if I was to live my life over again I would not change a thing. I know that everything I have experienced, including panic attacks, has made me the person I am today. I couldn't appreciate my life as much as I do if I hadn't lived through all the experiences I have. I believe that we are all on our own journey learning our own lessons and the there IS an answer out there for everyone, we just have to ask the right questions.

Happy journeys.

This Article has been submitted by the Jeremy's Prophecy Dot Com team for informational and educational purposes. Jeremy's Prophecy Dot Com is a website dedicated to telling the story of Jeremy Jacobs, a character in the novel, Jeremy's Prophecy Dot Com.