May 1998
Not many people realize that one in 10 people suffer from this. We all hide it so well, because it is embarrassing to talk about. I think the worst part for me is being aware of how irrational my thoughts are. I also suffer from depression and borderline agoraphobia.

To me, being a social phobic is like living in a box. I don't go out often for fear of people judging me. I might say something stupid or do something stupid to make people around me think that I am stupid. Rational thoughts hardly ever seep into my head in these situations. I usually become overheated and start to blush. That, in itself, makes me feel worse because I feel like I am drawing more attention to myself and people can tell that I am uncomfortable. Confrontation is impossible for me at this point in my life. Just the thought sends anxiety through my body. I don't know how to make friends because I feel inferior. I feel like I have nothing of value to offer to a relationship. It goes on and on.

Apparently, I have always been a shy child. Things really became difficult in my life when my mother left. She left when I was eleven years old. Dealing with puberty was very hard for me. I am really surprised no one ever thought there might be something wrong with me. When asked today, I hear things like, "Oh, that was just Jodi's way." or "Jodi was always just more sad than the rest of us." Apparently, my family was clueless.

I am now 26 years old and I am married with two girls. I hardly go out. I have a license, but cannot drive. Our lives are very limited. I was only diagnosed about a year ago and was being treated on and off. If there was more than two weeks between appointments, I would feel too uncomfortable to go back. I just recently started therapy again and have every intention of keeping all of my appointments. No matter how hard it may be to leave my comfort zone. I have a lot of work ahead of me. I am working on self esteem and positive affirmation. I don't want my family to live like this anymore.

February 1999
Some things have changed and others haven't. I am no longer seeking therapy. I don't know if I will return... perhaps someday. I am currently pregnant so I chose to no longer take my meds because there are no conclusive studies, to my knowledge, what the long term affects would be on a child. I am extremely emotional and my moods swing terribly, but I just try to take it one day at a time. I have little fear about going out to places and if I have to return items at a store, I do not have a problem communicating with people. I still have some mild fear making phone calls. I have not driven, but that doesn't mean I never will. There is hope for me, yet.

April 1999
Recently, we got a dog. Now having a dog has sort of turned my life upside down. There are a lot of little things that annoy me about having it. But I have to say that there is one major wonderful thing about having him. That is the fact that I have to take the dog out during the day to walk it. Every day I go outside now. It has become, not so much of a duty now, but something that I really look forward to. The kids get to run around and play and we all get fresh air. It's really wonderful. I can't make excuses about going out. The dog needs to go out and I have to take it out. It makes me feel good inside knowing that my kids are out playing and not stuck in the house all day long. One small step in feeling good about myself. And all because of a dog. : )

June 1999
I realize that I have had this journal up for a full year. While rereading my story, I think that I am deluding myself. I was fooling myself into thinking that things are getting better. Maybe they are to a certain extent. I can go into a store by myself. I am still uncomfortable with it and would prefer having a child or my husband with me. When I'm by myself, I feel like a part of me missing. I am very disappointed in myself that I cannot drive. Now we have a standard, so it is even more daunting. There are events coming up in my life that are going to make it even more stressful. The birth of the baby, my oldest daughter going to kindergarten, and my husband going to school. I am either trying to figure out how to cope with it all, or I'm in total denial that life will change. I guess I really haven't found it inside of me that I really WANT things to change. I don't know. I suppose I just need to take baby steps.

October 1999 I had my son on July 23, 1999. He was 9lbs 5oz. He's a wonderful little boy. I am so blessed to have him. It seems, though, that this time around I have had the worst post partum depression. I has been so difficult just to function day to day without crying. It is close to the end of October that I write this. I started taking Zoloft again almost a month ago. I feel so much better. It is amazing how wonderful I am feeling. It seems to be working differently this time around. I don't just feel "grey". I feel happy some of the time! I am headed in a positive direction right now. I have even gotten into a car and driven! It wasn't very far, but it was such a tremendous accomplishment. There was a time that even the thought of something like that would make me shake. Now, I can visualize things happening with a positive outcome, where I used to only visualize things ending in panic. I still have a long way to go, but I am so impressed with every little accomplishment. I get up every morning and walk with all three kids to drop Olivia off for school. I stand there and wait for her to go inside and I interact with other parents. I still wonder if I'm going to say something stupid, and sometimes I'm still really quiet. But I also offer information now too. I have attempted to begin a conversation with other adults. The more I do it, the more confident I become. It is such a wonderful feeling inside. This past week, I have been able to say "I kinda like Jodi". And that is really cool! : )

One thing that I want to share about my decision to go back on medication is the fact that I really didn't want to do it at all. My husband and I fought a lot about it. I felt like a mental case and his answer for everything was medication. I also felt like if I took medication, then I was a failure. I couldn't fix things on my own and that was a horrible feeling. I now know that I am not a failure just because I need medication to make me feel better. I read somewhere that someone wrote on a message board that we should not feel ashamed of taking medication. We are lacking chemicals in our body that we need in order to function properly. It is really not all that different from a diabetic needing insulin. Well, those words made me feel better. I am not ashamed that I need to take Zoloft in order to get on with my life. I'm too busy feeling good about myself. : )

March 2000
Oh, good grief, it's about time for an update. I can't believe some of the stuff I say on this page. It really makes me want to delete it all, but I need to remember. I need to know how I was feeling back then. Ok...update~ I went off the meds because we were without health insurance for a little while. I feel fine. Just to start with that. I feel fine. I get a little depressed now and then, but I'm doing great. I have been going through some difficult things lately, but I persevere and I am very proud. Right now, my major issue facing me is driving. The mere thought of it makes me feel panic. But eventually I will do it. I don't want to take medication for it. My feelings are real and they are valid. I don't need to be subdued. I have conquered quite a bit over the last year. I may become over emotional sometimes, but those are my feelings and they are very real! I don't need to have it watered down. I'm doing better with social situations and making phone calls is almost easy! I even met an online friend! I think the major thing that has changed is that I have a little more faith in myself. Just when I think I can do no more, something pulls me up. Something inside me helps me to stand. I'm very proud about some aspects of myself. There are others, however, that I'm very disappointed in. I really need to exhibit some self control as far as eating is concerned. I was so excited about losing all the baby weight from Connor and just having to work on losing all the weight from the girls. I have recently packed on quite a bit of pounds due to the current situations, and it really makes me feel worse about myself. It's hindering my feeling good. I can say to myself that I did really good at something and then in the same sentence make myself feel bad. It is hard to talk to people because I feel like such a fat pig, I just know they are thinking the same thing! And why in the world would they want to talk to me anyway? Aarrgghh! Does it ever end? I know, eventually, it will. Someday... Somehow... all of it will fall into place.

April 2000
So far, this has been one exciting month! I took a driving lesson (April 3), to refresh myself, since I had not driven in 3 years. Well, I did wonderful! I was so nervous, but not nearly as nervous as I was when I was doing it 3 years ago. Maybe because I was pregnant back then. I'm not sure. But it was so much easier than I thought it would be. I was so much stronger than I thought that I could be. A week later (April 9), I drove by myself. I guess I just needed the lesson to boost my confidence. I didn't go all over creation when I drove on my own. I had a destination...the grocery store. I mapped it all out in my head. I had even had my mother in law take me on the route that I would do on my own, so that I wouldn't get confused or panic. I was just going to go sit in the car and if I went, I went. If I came back inside, that was going to be okay too. I took my sister in law along as a passenger. I did a funny thing, though. I was going to back out of the driveway and I had my foot on the break and I put the car in reverse and I go to look behind me and my sister in law says to me, "You kind of have to turn the car on to go anywhere, Jodi.". She and I laughed so hard. What a silly thing to do, but it was okay. It was all okay. I have not gone on the highway except for that lesson, so that is one thing that I need to work on. I am not thrilled about it, but I guess we just take things one at a time. I can't believe how good I felt doing the driving myself. I drove to the store. I bought groceries. I drove home and put them away!! I have NEVER done that in my life! This is something so normal for most people. This is HUGE! : ) I'm so proud of myself! Getting back to being there...it really was a moment at a time thing. I barely remember grocery shopping because of the adrenaline rush, but I remember being in the checkout line, thinking, "How am I going to go back now? No one is going to come and pick me up. I have to drive back. How am I going to do that?". I put the groceries in the car. Sat in the driver's seat and thought for a second. I had to map out in my head how I was going to get back. I did a lot of looking around and making sure that everyone was out of my way and I just went. I just went. I think that if I gave it too much thought, I would have panicked. My sister in law is very chatty, so that helped a lot to hear her in the background. I really have no recollection of anything she said, though... : ) I'm just so happy to find out that I CAN overcome my fears. I am still quite frightened, but this is the best that I have ever been! I will continue to go ahead!

April 14 ~ I drove my mother in law's car from her house to my house. It was the first time that I ever drove my daughter in a car with me. She looked so cute, with her little Easter Bunny ears on her head, just chattering away. It was neat! I was extremely nervous.

April 16 ~ I drove for the first time all by myself. It wasn't too far, but it was all by myself! I don't go anywhere on my own, ever, so it was a little nervewracking to have all the anxiety with the feeling that something was missing on top of everything. I actually felt sort of like I was skipping school.

April 17 ~ Drove to my in laws house and home with all three kids! It can be done : )

April 20 ~ I got up early to take three children to the grocery store. I'm beginning to wonder about my sanity! LOL This is the farthest I have driven so far, so I was very proud of myself. I provided for my family. It feels so good.

Later in the day, I took the kids to the mall to see the Easter Bunny. I still can't believe I drove this far! I was relieved to find that there are people out there driving that are far worse than me.

April 23 ~ Easter Sunday, I drove the car with the kids back to my in laws house. Yay! I also went out to the drug store and got a little lost in the city. All to avoid taking a left hand turn...LOL! I guess it gets easier every time. I wonder what I was afraid of sometimes. I know what it was, but it surprises me that the fear was so controlling. I still know the feeling because there are other things in my life that bring that fear out in me. One thing at a time, though!

April 29 ~ A week without driving and today I drove. I was very nervous, but I keep telling myself this one thing that my good friend told me and that is, "Pretend like you do it all the time". It's amazing how those words in my head can help me get through it. Almost like putting on an act. That's how I get my courage up these days. I just pretend like I do it all the time. It's not a big deal.

April 29 ~ Yesterday, I got paperwork in the mail for school. I'm so nervous about this. I don't know where to begin. I wonder will I be able to do this? Will I measure up? Will I just make a total fool of myself? Funny, I get past one thing and something else pops up in it's place.

May 2000
May 4, 2000 ~ I think that what I did today was harder than driving. I went to an information session at the local community college for a class that I'm interested in. I was absolutely terrified. I panicked a bit and got teary-eyed. I hate that about me. Why can't I just relax? I was just going to learn more about a program! Now, if it was a doctor visit for my child, or if my children were with me, it would be entirely different. I was on my own and it was dreadful! I drove there just fine, which was great. I was nervous about that. I had to leave my two youngest children, which made me nervous, too. I'm going to miss them so much when I start school. I'm not looking forward to that at all. And daycare! Sometimes, I just want to hide under the covers and never come out. Ok, enough of that. Even though I am still scared to death, I didn't flee from this session. I stayed and learned even if people thought I was a fool for crying. There was a young woman there (younger than I), that was so nice to me. She asked me why I was so nervous and she comforted me. There are more nice people in the world than there are not. Chances are good that the people around you are going to be feeling the same thing or have felt similar to you before and they will understand and help you out.

July 2000
July 3, 2000 ~ I haven't written in a while and I'm sorry for that. I really wanted to keep a detailed journal of my accomplishments. Both for me to look back on and smile and for you, the reader, to experience. I'm going to summarize things then. My last major accomplishment that I wrote about was going to the information session at school. That was terrifying. From there, there was the application, the interview, assessment testing, orientation...one social situation after another. And each time, it got a little bit easier. I've been in school for almost four weeks now and I love it. I am using my brain and it feels great!

October 2000
October 8, 2000 I feel like I am somebody. Some things are still hard for me. I feel like if I have too much spare time, I don't know what to say or do. Sometimes I just feel clumsy, too. I can drive all over the city, but I get extremely nervous if I don't know where I'm going or if there are parking issues. Otherwise, I am doing well with driving. I think I may have said already that I have gone on the highway once (August 5, 2000). I don't know what got into me that day, but I did it. Unfortunately, I haven't done it since. That will come with time. There are so many things that are going on right now that test me every day. Even if I wanted to share it all, I don't think I would know where to begin. Life is hard, but if you know that you really want something, nothing will stand in your way. My main drive and inspiration are my children. I have to accomplish all of my goals so that I can provide a better life for my children. There is no fail.

January 2001
It's hard to talk about the things that bother us the most. It's hard to open my life up for anyone to read. It's hard to feel all of these feelings that I'd rather stuff down somewhere deep.

April 13, 2001
It's been a year since I started driving. Seems like just yesterday. I started going on the highway on March 24, 2001. I took the highway on a whim that day. I was trying to avoid a left-hand turn...I don't know what possessed me, but I did it. I hate getting onto the highway. It's so stressful. Once I'm on, I don't really have much trouble. I hate merging. Now, I try to go on the highway whenever I can, just to stay used to it. I'm in awe of the things that I've done. I wish I could just sit back and enjoy things for a while, but something else is always around the corner. There's so much going on that I can't enjoy my accomplishments. College is going well. I got all A's last semester. I know my grades are good, but I worry that I'm not going to be qualified out in the "real world". I worry that I'm going to make a complete fool of myself when I go on interviews. I guess I'm just in one of those moods right now. I'm so sick of worrying...

August 28, 2001
I am an A+ Certified Service Professional!

September 14, 2001
It's been a long time since I have really thought about updating my journal. I have so many things that I'm doing that I forget or I just don't have time. I go on the highway all the time now. The key to overcoming the fear is to face it head on and keep facing it. If I didn't go on the highway for a while, I am convinced that I would start to slide back into my old behavior. That goes for speaking and interacting with people as well. I talk to people every day. I learn from people every day. I took a trip to see my family a few weekends ago. It was a three hour drive on the highway. It was great. I feel so liberated.

I completed the BITS program in June. I am continuing on with my education to get my Associates degree. I have decided to change my major from Networking to Multimedia and Internet. I like to do everything, but I'm more creatively inclined. The fall semester is going well so far. I love to learn. Knowledge definitely makes me more confident.

I'm going to sidetrack here. I never discussed the issues that forced me into coming out of my shell. On January 1, 2000, my husband and I separated. We seemed to argue all the time and I suppose we will always disagree on the final few months that we were together. I don't know...regardless, his leaving forced me to do things that I feared tremendously. In the beginning, I had no clue how I was going to survive. How would I ever take care of my three children and make a better life for them. I was depressed and angry. I was worried that no one would ever love me again. It was very sad. I find it so hard to believe that I was that person. It has been almost two years since then. I have grown so much. People ask me all the time how I do it. I don't think about it. I just do it. If I thought about it, it would probably be extremely daunting. On Monday, September 17, 2001, I will be going to court to finalize the divorce agreement. I'm a little stressed about it. I don't like going to court because I don't know exactly what to expect all the time. Being in court is awful. Too much waiting. I can't wait until it's over.

This Article has been submitted by the Jeremy's Prophecy Dot Com team for informational and educational purposes. Jeremy's Prophecy Dot Com is a website dedicated to telling the story of Jeremy Jacobs, a character in the novel, Jeremy's Prophecy Dot Com.