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Addendum : on July 7th, 2004, we recieved a message from an anonymous source suggesting we shut down this discussion forum. In this message the writer offered secret information that only somebody (such as Jeremy) would know. We decided to follow the direction.
Too bad you people don't realize that this site has helped people. And a lot of people look for help here. Take this site seriously.
i came on here because i needed to know that someone would listen. i needed to know that someone could understand and relate. i am suffering from depression and have been since i was 12 years old. i am 16 now. i cut myself quite often...ranging from once a day to once every 3 days. i have thoughts of suicide. none of my family or friends understands this. i cant get consuling because my mom doesnt have health insurance. i have tried to talk to her once about it but she got angry at me. i feel that i am addicted to cutting. i think it is impossible to stop. if anyone would be willing to talk to me, i would appreciate it. i really need someone to listen.
email me at you_failed_me@hotmail.com
YOU WELCOME NO PROBLEM
I just wanted to tell everyone on here to keep trying and to take each hour as it is. 60 minutes of time to breathe. Because we have the ability to do this.
Remember that you are given choices. And that you take breaths automatically. Take a day off work. Off of school. Or just take a day to sit down and write the things that should be better. Remind yourselves that these things can get better. Despite of lifes length... fight to keep it.
dfs
so i know i havent been on this site for a long while. i haven't cut in probably about 8 months. i'm fighting off my depression without meds or therapy. i think i may finally be breaking through. and i'm still glad to know that i'm not the only one going through this. and i just wanted to tell you guys that if i am able to do it (though a long time to get through) anyone else has the possibility to work themselves through too. it just takes a whole lot of time and a whole lot of patience *hugs to all*
Will, thank you for sharing. We are not licensed professionals. Perhaps you should seek professional help like a therapist or social worker. They are trained and will know the most effective ways to work with you on this problem. Best to you.
The Team
I am a warrior, and have been so for many years. I am skilled in armed and unarmed combat, and am a veteran.
However, I have a problem. I get these violent urges. For a while, I attended an "unofficial" free for all club, but we shut it down after I hurt someone pretty badly. Since then, I have been picking street fights with hoodlums and civilians. This has been going on for months, but it just isn't helping.
Yesterday I flipped out at work. One of the guys said that "that Special Forces stuff is bs", and I dislocated his elbow by taking him in a wrist lock and snapping his arm unto my shoulder. Dislocated elbows do not heal. My boss says that he will probably need to fire me, and there is going to be a police investigation. I own a whole bunch of unreged weapons, including a couple of very sweet automatic smgs.
I am a big fan of your site, and it has helped me through a lot just reading it, but this problem is BIG, and I was hoping you could give me some direct advice.
Best Wishes,
THE HOLY AND MOST POWERFUL JEREMY!!!
My band, Seraded, just lost it's drummer. Does Jeremy play the drums? We're a group of forward thinking twelve year olds that like to ROCK!
Hey discussers,
I hope you guys are ready for a flood. This forum is about to get a LOT longer. Delete me if you must. This is just a warning. www.somethingawful.com.
test
Luke:
Hello brothers and sisters hope your all doing well, coping with the everyday stresses of life or just whats in your head.lol. I got a job as a chargehand to the outside of a superstore. Its hard Im working like six days a week and at 1st I began working a little too hard trying to keep up with the expectations of my staff (do as we do) and at the same time my supervisor(do as I say). The staff are put through alot of physical strain and my supervisor alot of mental relief, sitting down on his arse talking through people advising them to push others to work harder faster and more accurately (I remember a conversation where we were sitting down and me and another staff were saying how weve lost an incredible amount of weight for our sizes, while he inturn boasted about how much weight he was trying to gain for his size) in the long run I was trying to please everyone and basically forgot to put my image before my first form of comfort, my health. the result a sweaty guy walking around in too much clothes(hey it was cold). The outcome - a very embarissing look and smell of disgust from the canteen visitors and staff as I tried to relax on my break (its impossible to travel out side of the store for lunch based upon the distance and how much time you have to eat and its just too cold to remain outside). I guess after all this happened it kinda went down hill from there, you see the look on their faces sent me in to a high state of paranoia. I assumed everyone that smiled and came from inside of the store had an evil thought/gesture lurking behind what seemed their friendly intentions and my colleagues never allowed me to ease up (six days of frustration with not enough rest) where they had one thing to concentrate on I had about ten things and an advisor watching over my shoulder. Anyway to cut a long story short I started to drift into a depression my face couldnt hide, whispering words underneath my breath and until caught out looking like a walking corpse. I began taking it out on my staff (a spooky climax), now three months later them as well as the staff inside of the store(a diffrent company) think of me as some scary moody guy who doesnt really talk much and like a ticking time bomb may explode at any given moment(Boom!!lol). In my continuing quest to get round this thing Ive found that you cant really get round it. theirs just to many things to concentrate on for ex; if your too nice your to scary (is it alright for me to tell a joke) to mean too complex (hey whats your problem.lol) and if your both your too mixed up (hiya! how you feeling today) and lets face it thats gotta be the worst right, especially when youve already told them a thousand times. I have however stopped smoking, I think after six years it only had reverse effects and sent me in to major depression. I mean I couldnt think straight and if left alone always reminded my self of the pain in my life and you can't get high with your mates everday right? otherwise they're not your mates anyones bearable with the smell of puff in the air or in the depths of your lungs.lol. Anyways what Im trying to say is you will never have full control but if you can survive with out the drugs your have a minimum amount of depression but faster reflexes, creativity and awareness(of yourself and most things around you). So weigh it up and ask your self whether you wish to be the slave controling the master(you restricting yourself from everything you are) or the master controlling the slave (using everything you have before you to overcome all obsticles that arise mentally, physically, verbally, spiritually, socially and financially, and one by one the world wasnt built in a day, Geese.lol). If you havent already figured it out slave = body () Master = mind.................................... I bet your thinking what aload of garbage right.lol. hey I got some enjoyment outta that. take care people and remember not to give too much in life because the way things are and the way we want things to be are never ever ever ever ever quite the same. so deal with it! lol cya
Great Site
dear jeremy is there anyone out there that can give me advice on the herbs i took i would be grateful to a dr. if he could help with the kinds of herbs i took that caused my testical to swell. i am now left with a liver problem by the way my liver specilist says its okay to smoke marijuana that it wont hurt my liver.any one with any knowledge of the herbs i took please e-mail me i am trying to reverse with the herbs did .i am taking the product kardovite and i also take other products i have found that kardovite has more than helped .please e- mail me at luc lafond air@nrtco.net
dear friend i went to see a medical doctor and he also practices complementary medicines and i ask this werner a.fabian,m.d.and 105 toronto st barrie, ontario,l4n 1v1 tele;705,739,4114 , i ask this doctor can you give me something to quit smoking marijuana and he said yes luc take these , calendula tinture 15 drops 6 times a day with equisetum pouder sulfer 1 table spoon 3 times a day with crataegus 2 pills 3 times a day now 17 days goes by and my dad took me to the hospital wich i had a swollen testical so the doctor at the hospital ask me are you taking any medications and i said yes so he said thats ok so he gives me antibiotics with percosets then i went to see the doctor that sold me the herbs so he said thats ok luc here is more of the herbs , i took these herbs for 5 months and on the 8 month they remove the testical that had no cancer and i told health canada about this and human rights and the college that protects the doctors
i'm 17 for one thing. and its not a "love interest" for another. its two friends trying to get eachtoher through. i've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 yrs and love him to death. dont judge what you dont really know about.
I do believe Dave and Amber need to stop using this messgae area to pass love notes to each other. Use hotmail or a hotel room! Furthermore, is what Dave is doing even legal? How old is this Amber girl anyway? From the looks of her website she look as if she just turned 15! I think Dave needs to open his eyes and stop taking his wife and children for granted. I honestly have no idea why this website has supported this personal jargon between thes two? I do commend the people running this site for a wonderful job and allowing for people to express their views, but this is getting pathetic! Dave and Amy-- find some other stomping/sobbing ground!
*clears throat* i quote "Many people have opinions. We value them all. Please feel free to discuss your views, or vent your problems, be sure to add your E-mail address if you’d like someone to get back to you." emphasizing on the venting your problems part. and for the last freakn time...F-R-I-E-N-D-S. not a love affair. and before the whole "well use aim or something" bit... he would rather not do that...therefore i respect that. i'm just not going to say anything more so i dont flip out...this past month has just been too much for me.
Dave. If you want to assume a love affair with a teenager find somwhere else, please. You've been commenting on this site for more than a year and in that time you've done nothing but sing your "woe is me" tune. Get your ass to a therapist. Talk to your wife. Love your kids. Stop looking elsewhere for something to blame. You are reponsible for your life. You are responsible for your happiness. Have you taken even one step to getting better?
Everybody has issues, Dave. Deal with yours.
Do you think this forum is just your safe complain zone? It is meant to discuss Jeremy's Prophecy Dot Com, the book and website. Have you even read the book? Did you even know about it?
Dave~ me and dan just broke up yesterday. he's believing other people that i'm cheating on him...when i'm not. its a lengthy story...but if you read my journal it has the dialouge of what happened (on september 13). i'm sorry about your parents...and i'm sorry that you have to deal with that loss. but going to their graves in time...in my opinion... helps you live on more and more. i think the reason why it is so hard for you is because they are your parents...they raised you...they loved you and nurtured you. you grew up with them there...and now its different...and alot of people arent ready for that difference. one thing i've realized is that happiness is something you have to see yourself...its there...it always is in some way..shape or form...it just may be difficult to find it. if that makes any sense O_o thanks for the compliment *hugs*
Amber, I hope everything is OK for you. I miss talking. I just feel a little lonely tonight. It's been eight years to the day that I found my Mother dead in her bed. She had a heart attack, but I believe she died of a broken heart. My Dad died eleven years ago, and I know she missed him. I went to the cemetery after work and put flowers on both of their graves. I miss them both terribly. I have never recovered from their loss in my life. I feel like I can never be happy anymore, and I don't know why.I abuse myself daily. I feel like somedays I have a death wish. I look at your websight daily and I like what I see. Miss You. Hugs, hugs.
This is one of the most interesting sites on this issue I have seen. I so much have enjoyed visiting here. I live with mental illness and am vice president of a mental awarness and educational program here in Oregon that is working with NAMI. Your site is this months featured site on my articles page. You can visit my website at www.sponsortosponsor.com or go directly to the article at http://www.sponsortosponsor.homestead.com/m4.html
Blessings!!!
Monty Dale Meyer (Montyman)
Publisher / STS Publications
Amber-
I simply think Jeremy is stating in the "no" must say that if someone acts in a manner that fits the cultural definition of "demons" then they are just trying to fulfill tendencies that have always existed and have been purposely ignored becuase they would seem "improper" to others. I think Jeremy is insinuating that you are actually in control!
Jeremy's "no" must says has been/is one of my favs... i was reading them again for some reason. it is the one about being our own demons. to add onto it... if we are our own demons... then if we lose control...so does our demon...if that makes any sense to anyone besides me
OCD is obsessive compulsive disorder. i have it... but i can stand it... just dont know if it is gonna get any worse or not. and no you are not included in those group of people that never help me (been watching me on deviantart havent ya? ;) ) i'm shocked by your son. his age and his rebeling stage might be part of it... but still... i truly am sorry that you have to deal with that. but you still are his father... and you still have authority over him... he may not want to listen to you... but he still will hear you. as for the future...obviously no one knows what exactly is going to happen... but what i have discovered is that if you put a certain outlook on it.. it is more likely to be that outcome...kinda like you have already decided your future you know? i know it sounds cheesy..but it's the truth. i know its hard to not have a negative outlook when things are already negative in the present. *hugs*
Amber, What does OCD mean? I hope you don't include me into that group of people that offer help, but never do. I would do anything to help you out of your depression. Tonight, my 11 year old told me that when I die, he will laugh in my face. I really didn't even have a response to him. It hurt me terribly. I have been totally stressed out at work lately, and this was the last thing I needed to hear. I couldn't agree with you more, on how our society is based on the almighty dollar. We need to get back to what really matters and that is our families, however, I wonder if I still have one. Life really sucks now and the future doesn't look better. Hugs, hugs , hugs.
How bad can OCD get if you don't treat it?
I CAN'T BELIEVE MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was not even going to mention this problem on this forum but if I may Jeremy??? I hope it's alright? Here goes... Yesterday, I asked my husband of 18 l o n g years for a divorce. He tried to have me COMMITTED!I will spare you all the expletives that still run through my BRILLIANT, YES, BRILLIANT mind.Why, does he want you in the "mental Ward" you ask? Good ? Seeing that the ones...yes, plural thank you very much! that I have been involved with I have found to be little more than a revolving door of handing me a knapsack full of pills to drag home to a house chalk FULL of overwhelming responsabilities that would KILL Martha Stuart herself, and a staff of dr's that have their spycho-babble heads "UP THIERS AND THIER COLLEGUES ASSES" My husbands response to my divorce request was well, Jayne "dear" ...catch the "patronizing"...you ARE ill..."CRAZY" my translation, now that you have found the right drug for you...Topomax...I can no longer control you,so...if you don't go into de-tox for....get this folks.......MARIJUANA...he will take (OUR)children "that I practically raised single handedly anyway, and divorce me. OVER MY DEAD ROTTING CORPSE HE WILL!!!!! Someone, who has knowledge, plz tell me is a half a joint (if that ) a day is really all that bad?
BTW... The last e-mail is the correct one to reach me...should anyone care too, the adress has been tweeked a little, due to a slight bout of paranoia.....gee, wonder why!!
Tom, Take it easy on the guy. Geez, we are all here with a common thread that binds us! Lets not turn like the serpant....okay!!!Jayne.
Thank you Jesus!!!!
Jeremy, I am almost in tears right now! If I had any left to cry, I would. I am 38 yrs. young, the mother of five beautiful, loving, vibrant, and gifted children have been married to the same wonderful man for eighteen years who to this very moment...2:15 am 7/2/03 still does not understand me! What a tragedy! I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar in 1991 and have been running unsuccessfully from that "Demon in my mind" until I found Topomax with my last AND I DO MEAN LAST hospitalization about 4 months ago. Everyone, and I do mean everyone around me, (with the exception of my mother )is tring to put me back in "one flew over the coo coos nest" again! I would rather die than go back to those hell hole revolving money making facilities those dr.'s conveniently hide behind and have the audacity to call me "CRAZY" I DETEST being patronized by a little man who has nothing over me but a damn degree! Thank God, and you for your website!!!Love to you Jeremy....Jayne.
Dave~ with the scars i have now.. i am reminded of the memories and of the pain. sometimes they dont bother me though. but logically when i'm depressed they do bother me. the urge to cut has been getting harder to resist..but at the same time easier. it just kinda numbs my mind. stress with jobs and life in general can make a tension between wife and husband. and kids can add to that. yeah...childhood was alot better...you were still in that innocent bubble ya know? i'm sorry for your loss of your parents. friends are pretty much the best things you can have now-a-days... hugs to you... i hope things calm down for you.
Amber, please don't cut yourself. I know that this pain will eventually stop, and you will be reminded of this pain everyday by the scars that are left behind. I have never felt more like ending my life than I do now. My job is the pits ( my reward for putting up with them for 22 years), My wife hates me and my children are so screwed up(the result of both parents having to work and force their kids into a day care that they don't want to be in.)I say that my wife hates me, rather she is soo stressed out at her job and I at mine that we really don't find the time we need for each other and the children. I really feel the tension buiding up and waiting for it to explode is killing me. I really miss the days of childhood and a parents comfort. I lost my father in1992 and my mom in 1995. I'm extremely sad and lonely. Please stay my friend and I'll do whatever I can to help you. Really need a friend. It makes me sad to see you in such pain and not knowing where to turn. I pray for you often. Many many hugs.........Sometimes you just need a little hug.
i am glad i discovered this site.When no one can relate to the process of the mind in a manic state not even yourself, it's nice to know there's someone there that i can relate to .maybe oneday instead of all the stupid shit money is wasted on they can research the reason so many of us STILL suffer from this. it took them 13 years to give me a diagnosis. But who the hell can afford the dr. and med's to stay alive and in a state to function in this messed up world. I have been there done that in my teen years and now i am a mother and trying to stay alive.everyone has a differant phase i am phase 2 and feel like some times i could just go and do crazy things to those who have hurt me and don't understand.
To Andrew (stinkypimpleface@rogers.com):
You say that it's bad when "stupid people get into stupid groups," but then continue to say that you want to "find [the people you can get along with] and clone them and move to Mars." And that doesn't sound like your trying to start a group at all, does it? Think before you speak, because all you sound like is some hypocritical douche who thinks he's always right (and I'm not saying that you are right by any means). You also say "The worst stupid people are the calm ones that think they are smart." What about the irrational stupid people who think they are smart? Would they be the best kind of stupid people? Because that's what you are... you aren't the best, but you're definately irrational and extremely stupid. You sound like one of those people who think they can dish whatever the hell they want out, but can't take it. Take this...
i've once again have resulted back to cutting. it's been a while... if it wasn't so late and i didn't have class in the morning i would explain why... but really it was the only way i could calm myself down and stop myself from crying more. yet something else i have to hide =(
People really piss me off. They are so stupid. And it is really bad when stupid people get into stupid groups. Yea so I only read a little bit of this website and I can't figure out why this is published. I think it's probably fiction. What's up with this junk? The worst stupid people are the calm ones that think they are smart.
Is there anyone on this planet who I can get along with? Cause I wanna find them and clone them and move to mars. Oh and if my bipolar gets worse and parts of my brain start dying and i get dellusions, I hope a bunch of stupid idiots dont come to the mental hospital and try to get me out. Take your divalproex =P sleeping in the day time is lame.
I do think medical treatment is an avenue to take in healing manic depression. However, that is only physical in nature. Emotionally, it is difficult to carry the "bipolar load" on one's shoulder and talking it out with another person can have amazing cathartic effects. Hence, a mixture of both doctor and conversing it over with a friend seems to be the most pragmatic solution.
Jeremy is very insightful. He would encourage Amber to seek professional help. If Dave is the adult here he should be advising her to do so. Maybe you were not successful before. Try another Doctor and different meds. All the talking about it can't help without ajusting your brain chemicals.
Thank you Josie. and i agree...his must says are wonderful. i have them saved on my computer. Dave, i'm glad you liked the poem. i'm not sure why people kick a man while he's down. maybe it makes them feel better *shrugs* though it is immoral...obviously its not impossible. i understand what you mean about getting (or not getting) help. it's hard to not make your problems part of your life when they taunt you all the time. it's a matter of being able to get through them i guess. i do have alot going through my life. and now i might have cancer in my ovary =( i have an appointment friday for an ultra sound... hopefully it's nothing. my depression is coming back... worse than before (again). i havent cut or anything though...its hard to not...i don't do it because of how much it hurts dan. but he also understands that when i do cut...it is just because i can't handle anything anymore. i think i've given up on getting help a long time ago. i've had it for too long...with meds and therapy... i just wanted to do it on my own. in the end (when everything is better hopefully) i will feel better about myself because i got through it on my own without meds or therapy. i don't think i'm THAT talented in my art... i'm still trying to get better at it. but i'm glad you enjoy it. i feel special that you consider me as your bestest friend..and only friend. but you may have other friends around you...maybe you just cant see it...i don't know... i'm not you..only you know this. but don't close your heart off all the way. not everyone will break it. but do be skeptical..and cautious..that is what i'm doing now. it seems odd but special at the same time that we have this connection even though our ages are totally different (along with having connections with others). *big hugs*
Just to leave a note, I think the site is great, being a manic depressive myself I totally understand Amber's need to communicate with Dave and their need to get each other through. Some of Jeremy's 'must reads' are stunning, I can sit at the computer and just study one for half an hour, thinking of how true and simple it really is, and how he's probably the first person to take such a blunt look at it. So anyways, thanks so much for making this page and for getting Jeremy's ideas out there. It's a great site and it's comforting in some twisted way to be able to come here and read things that 'click' with me. I'm not an easily understood person but for some reason a lot of what Jeremy says holds great meaning for me. Well this is a lot longer than I anticipated it to be, so I'll cut it off now. Once again, thanks....
Seriously Dave? What’s stopping you from getting help. Are you blind? You bitch about how depressing the world and yet you never consider how kind because help is available. The two of you (Amber and Dave) dance around getting help like it’s some dreaded forest fire. Get over it. 10% of the population is depressed. If your leg was broken would you sit around all day and debate whether to put a caste on the thing? Help is everywhere. Call any hotline any therapist anybody. And so you know I’m not trying to attack you or hurt you with these comments. I just can’t bear to read this nonsense. Do you need help? Yes. There I said it. So go find some, Both of you.
Amber, sorry I haven't responded for a while. When I read that poem you wrote for me,a tear came to my eye. I will cherish it. Why does life seem to be so terrible for those that don't deserve it. We live in a very depressing world, it's up to us to amuse ourselves. The people I know seem to enjoy seeing me miserable and depressed, which just feeds the suicidal tendencies. Kick a man when he's down applies. I honestly don't know when to draw the line for getting help, as I never have, I just figure that someone will tell me or tell someone about me. Then i guess go from there. You seem to have a lot going on in your life. I'm proud of you wanting to do good in school. That is a priority. Not that getting a better job brings happiness, it just brings opportunities. You are soooo talented in your art and poetry, I'd like to see you get recognized for it. I look at your sight regularly and I can litterally feel the emotion that is intended. Tell Dan he better support you. I consider you my bestest friend, my only friend. HUGS, HUGS, HUGS.........
I just read your "Is Marijuana the Answer?" article and find myself somewhat disappointed with those quoted in the article. My main concern with this article is as follows: if someone uses marijuana and later developes some type of mental illness, who is to imply that one caused the other? You could say that those tested in the survey who experienced some form of mental illness used marijuana because it helped them cope with their undiagnosed condition. While I myself am no expert in the field of medicine, the large majority of physicians I've spoken with firmly believe that mental illness is genetic.
so where is that fine line that you see that tells you to give up? giving up on trying to do things by yourself i mean. i'm stressing out too much. i can't concentrate on anything anymore. but i dont want meds or therapy anymore either. people keep falling for me... and i dont want them to. but i dont want to hurt them either. not just because i'm with dan...but because i can't handle it. i'm doing this research paper for my honor psych class...it has to be 5-7 pages. and i'm doing it on depression (seems to be easy)...but i just keep procrastinating. i cant motivate myself to do anything anymore. everything (mentally and emotionally) is just going haywire... howmuch longer can i handle this?
like i have said before to someone else...he would rather us talk here than with aol or something. and i respect that. both of us do have hard lives and are trying to get eachother through. if you do want to know how i relate that would take forever and a day to tell all about it. but in a nut shell..i've been manic depressive for over 5 years now, and i'm not on meds or going to therapy anymore...because of my own choice. ihave some serious mental/emotional problems...but again that would take too long to type.dave and i arent hurting anybody here by trying to get eachother through things. *shrugs*
Dave & Anber, have you two read the book or even wonder what this site is about? It seems as if you have turned this into your personal chat area. Apparently, the people running this site allow for this to happen--- whether they care or not i do not know? However, I think that you both should concentrate on what this forum is really for.... for those that deal with similar situations as Jeremy does in their lives. I would love to hear your input on this endeavor and how you relate to it, rather than your secret love affair away from your significant others!
oh yeah... and *hugs hugs*
life isnt going all that well for me at the moment but i hope it is for you.
Dave, i just read what you wrote to me. and right after that i got started on the poem. so it is now submitted and is titled "this man". i hope you like it.
Amber, I read the poem you wrote and thought that you should get it published. It tells the tale that a lot of us feel. You are very talented. I don't know if you can write one from a man's experiences, but I would be honored if you would write a poem about me and my experiences.Hugs as always. Hope things are looking up for you. Do your best to ignore anyone who tries to mess with you. You don't want to lose your chance for a scholarship. Hope all is well with you and your boyfriend, and that he realizes how lucky he is to be with you.Hugs, Hugs, Hugs.
Dave~ thank you...for the hugs and the words. i have grown up too fast. i wasn't able to have that transition from childhood to teenage years. my dad's affair was right smack in the middle of it. so my childhood was crushed, and my teenage years have been hell. i've learned alot after all the things i have been through. and most of all have learned from my mistakes. i try to help other people because i know i would have wanted the same thing for me. *hugs*
Amber, don't sell yourself short. You have a lot to offer this world. HUGS.........
Amber, please don't forget about me, I worry about you. I wish I could make things better for you. Your insightful messages to me do nothing but lift my spirits. A person with your talent for words should be in high demand. It just seems to me that you have grown up too fast. If you need me I'm here. HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So how is when one thing seems to be going right...everything else goes wrong. the only good that i see going on in my life is my boyfriend. everything else in my life is falling apart. my friendship with brenna (bestest friend in the whole world), my mind..i'm just not me anymore... hasn't got quite scarey yet... but i am scared of if i'll never be me again... it's all just too much, and the only person that is left to make it worth living is dan (my b/f)...since i'm losing brenna.
Hello my brothers and sisters its me again. Yep I decided I may have helped you to understand not to mislead others but at the same time misled you. Il just run my mouth as usual and see what comes out.lol. well lets start with the drugs, "well the drugs dont work they just make you worse".lol. Ive learnt how to communicate alot better since Ive left the net, I told you what we'd do to eachother all that negativity bundled up n stuff(Explosive... indeed)lol. My life has gotten better I now smoke weed strictly for unimaginery buzz(A craving for unimaginary release). but hey it works I mean how hy can you get(If ya dig what Im saying). 3 light ones a day, certainlty does tend to keep the motions away... It sastisfys nothing, shames you up in public, is bad to your health and actually costs money (dont you just wish it grew on trees). so anyways the moral of the story is... arrrh oh yeah dont do too much even if its gud for ya cous in the end it will always turns out bad...n then good again n then bad n then good again.lol).
life is like a box of choclates you never know what your gonna get, some will make you smile some will make you fat! n ugly!(give you excessive fat). do you folks understand what Im saying here. excessive baggage that you dont need. end up like fighting it off, but it just keeps hanging untill you suddenly feel like its an endless battle(doctor phills mean side.lol).
stress is a dangerous thing, to some it makes them open up, to others it makes them strictly shut down. then theyre's your inexperienced defensive types using anger as a way to release all that built up tension. now which do you think is respected? are you surprised. "oh but we all get angry" true but I think some enjoy it a little bit more than others and some even tolerated more than others(it disgusting), alright enough garbage. Im still on that postive path just had a few relationship problems(although I wont go there because I dont believe in repeating oursleves.lol). it happens folks get over it, learn from it, by god do not let it happen again... and again and again. why cant everything be simple why do we have to make everything so complex it really isnt either you say it out loud or youve got something to hide and in which case we all make mistakes(Although some a little nastier than others, but I wont tell if you wont tell).
Ive become very miserable over the past 2 months though theirs me thinking the sunshine would drive the demons all away, but they still come out at night to play)Mmmm.
I lost a large amount of weight but still continue to punish my body with intense work outs, hey its what I live for, although I never have the time to prepare the clothes to go with it(a tragic tale of beauty and the beast).
Im a little tee'd off Ill admit it but I just inhale exhale get _i_h and kiss those temporary problems good bye. My final words of advice tonight folks, please don't walk into to brick walls cous sometimes its ok to think, even if you think all the time, inside your own twisted mind... good night yall fare well and let the mania live on.
Dave~you are much welcome. getting older is only getting wiser...and that is the damn truth. Most of the time children will wear their feelings out on their sleeves. i understand how and why that would tear you apart...being only 4 years old, he really can't understand... but i believe he still speaks the truth.Me and my boyfriend are getting better (thank goodness)...the rest of my life is getting worse. but having him...puts a light in the darkness you know? mucho love and hugs to you.
I'm trying to figure out if my son is bi polar. His Dr. is out of town and I'm feeling a little desperate. He is 11 yrs old. Can be extremely kind, loving helpful and polite. when he's not allowed to do something or someone gets on his nerves, he lashes out ie:cursing at them , destroys things, and has occasionally said he wants to kill himself. He has been classified ADHD,ODD,& depression. He's cuuerently taking adderall 30mg AM,Tenex 2x's a day,AM and PM, and Zoloft 75mg AM. Can you help me find some answers for my son before I lose him?
Amber, thanks for supporting me and understanding me. Last week I turned 45 and it seems the older I get the more depressed I get. I sure wish I was young again. My 4year old today told me that he doesn't want me to die. Why do kids know how to say things that really tear you apart. I hope all is well with you and your boyfriend and may you always have the wind at your back and love in your heart. Hugs,Hugs, Hugs.
Shannon~ Dave would rather not for certain reasons. So i haven't talked to him except for on this website *shrugs* so i respect it and i do so.
I think Amber and Dave should exchange information personally instead of this website. Their relationship warrants it at this time. I wish them good health.
What type are you talking about? I was thinking this place to discuss was to talk about the quotes that Jeremy said. I think a lot of the stuff he said was very profound, but I have no idea why some of them was said. Some of them were just everyday lines that weren't worth reading. I still think he shouldn't be hospitalized, though. He has rights and obviously more vision than most of us.
Dave~i just watched the tape.... it was interesting. but of course we dont have support groups like that around here. i agree with alot of the things hannah said on her video diaries. now my minds thinking... just about different things. how much i've been disclosing myself, how much i DONT want to go on meds again...and how much i DONT want to go back into therapy. just alot of thoughts.....just lots...
Dave~ what side do you mean? Thank you much for the compliment *blush* =).... no one should have problems like mine...or the ones that are worse. I'm glad you loved the website. You're welcome (for letting you in). *BIG HUGGIES* oh yeah... i'm taping the thing on the discovery health channel right now. I get to write a seven paged research paper for psychology. i'm going to do it on depression and/or mental illness. it'll be easy to write =) i'm gonna use the thing on the discovery health channel as a resource. *BIG HUGGIES AGAIN*
Amber, I loved your website. I saw a side of you that I didn't know existed. You're a beautiful girl who shouldn't be having all these problems. Thanks for letting me in. HUGS, HUGS,HUGS.
i havent finished the book yet, just got it today, so bear with me, but i got inspired. my mind is extremely deep, deeper than it should be, so deep it scares me. i suspect i may be bipolar, probably a side effect of having a brain so powerful, and a few of my friends have suggested the idea to me. but it's incredible, how my moods can change... i've only seen a few chapters of the book but the way it seems is that mine is trivial compared to jeremy's. if i may quote melissa on this, in a previous entry some of the way down...
"Looking at the intriguing "must says", I stumbled upon the "ego" must say. I must say :) that i do agree with the fact that one must seperate themselves from their ego from time to time to se what REALLY is out there. So many people just do not REALIZE what is right in front of them. Like this website for instance.. it is almost comical. God bless you all! -Mel"
The conclusion I came up with was that.... well, i wrote a very detailed explanation, and it's probably very hard to grasp, but you can see it if you want.... the address is: http://www.angelfire.com/zine2/geejodi/deep.html
i seem to find that i have two sides... the "normal" side that everyone sees in school and stuff and that fits comfortably into the world's view of how things are or should be, and then i have the deep side, the part no one sees... ive tried explaining some of it to some people.... no one seems to understand. call me crazy if you want but i am perfectly sane and i know it.
dave, i shall watch that...thank you very much. i'm getting worse... mentally and emotionally without my control and it really sux. cuz i dont want to go back to meds, and i dont want to go back to therapy either. i'm trying to just do it on my own...i have been doing it on my own. but like they say... it gets the worst right before it gets better... i hope they are right.i do alot of my "venting" per se... or just ways to cope in art lately. if you want to you can check it out. http://my-own-nightmare.deviantart.com this war thing isn't helping either. especially since i have people that i know that are fighting over there =(.
Amber, I thought you may want to watch The Discovery Health Channel on March 27th at 7:00 central. The show talks about Cutters- self abuse. Thank you for the encouraging words you give me. I cherish them all. Hugs.
#49 is it that is all there is just do it it is very simple
This website blows me away. Keep up the good work. Success comes with discipline.
Wonderdul site dedicated to those who deal with the stigma day in and day out associated with mental disorders!!
Dave~once again...i could be better. i actually had a good day yesterday. but my b/f kinda ruined my day today....long story..i'm glad things arent getting any worse...i hope things do get better for you though. and i also hope you enjoy your vacation. try to clear your mind a bit eh? jobs will get boring...doing the same thing every day. it doesnt help when your authorities are asses either. 10 sick days in 21 years is REALLY impressive. i cant even only use that many sick days at school. just because you bring the stress home doesnt mean you have failed your family. we all bring our stresses home...its human nature. you are being too hard on yourself...though i do that alot too. alot of people only think about their flaws and not their good characteristics. again...i do that alot too. i think i've talked to you about over a year now...and all i see you as is a wonderful man, but sometimes life gets to him. you've told me that you are devoted to your family...thats a good thing. you provide for your family....thats a good thing. need i say more? but never forget about yourself. do some good for yourself too. do something that you enjoy that you havent done in a long time. like if you enjoy going to a hockey game...go see a hockey game. or if you like playing a sport...go play it. your schedule might make that difficult...but plan it...and make it so you are able to do it. and your right...the way the world is going its hard not being pessemistic. i've been keeping to myself lately...closing up...just afraid of getting hurt is all...and hurting others. everyone has their own issues...some are ignored...some are dealt with...some are difficult to deal with. but one kick ass thing about being human...we can have hope. you know the phrase "life is a roller coaster"? well...there is always going to be the ups and downs...but dont forget...THERE ARE UPS. i hope i lifted you a bit. *biggest hugs*
may my posture always be.....the same as now, in awe of Thee, as bowed down low on bended knee.....Your presence fills my every need.
Amber, I hope you are well. My life seems to be put on hold for now. It's not getting better and not getting worse. I'm going vacationing with the family at the end of this month. I really need a change of scenery. I've been at the same job for 21 years and now with a bad economy they are not replacing people who leave. That means that I am having to do things that I did 20years ago. The physical torture and the emotional stress is getting to be too much. There is no loyalty at my company, except for stupid me. I was raised to give your best at all times, and I have every day, using only 10 sick days in 21 years and most of those were to stay home with one of my kids that were sick. Unfortunately, new management doesn't care about what I've done in the past. If I quit,this will surely be the beginning of my permanent descent. I feel as if I have failed my family. I bring the stress home with me and take it out on everyone around. I truly hate myself. I feel like I'm living with a death wish lately. For the first time in my life, I have gotten an FOID card, so that I have an option if I really need it. The way the world is going, it's hard not to pessemistic. I am such an introvert, keeping to myself all the time. This makes for a very lonely life. Amber, please tell me one of your philosophical phrases to lift me again. I really need a lift. HUGS.
AJ~ Sorry this post isn't going to be of practical help to you before your hearing tomorrow, but I am in the same boat, and you've inspired me to share. I have not heard anything about that law....I'd love to have a reference to look it up easily. I have had A LOT of difficulty finding my way through the maze of the SS application system. It dawned on me today, one of the reasons why. I'm really sick, and I do need the help SS offers. The forms they send out to applicants are absolutely overwhelming...I have applied twice and am approaching an appeal myself. I never got the proper paperwork filled out (you should know what I mean when I tell you that their request for you to fill out a form describing a 'typical' day in our life is ridiculous considering the nature of our illness). In my case, a decision was made based upon an "independent evaluation" THEY set up. WHAT THE F***?????? I see this 'independent' whoever, one time and they think this opinion is just the sh**'s! My regular therapist knows I'm disabled. I was having an up day the day of my "independent evaluation". Believe it or not, I was told "why in the world were you working as a secretary?", "WOW, you should go back to school" and "I've never tested someone with such high cognitive reasoning skills before". A lot of good all that blabber has done me, especially since after all that, their conclusion was that I should be able to get out there and work, since I'm so...whatever. I can't focus regularly enough to get through school. I can't discipline myself enough to even take online courses.
This is the clincher....in my denial letter, they sited my ability to parent my 2 kids 1/2 the time, and my ability to maintain a home as a few of the reasons they came up with their decision. If they only knew how hard I struggle to keep it together....I'm constantly living on the edge. I have an emotionally supportive ex, and we team parent in spite of our divorce. If it wasn't for that, I know I would still trying to prove myself a fit mother.....just like my natural mother did while I was in foster care and she committed suicide. OH yes, and during my third manic episode (and third 5150, I might add).....I had been drinking. Does my self medication in the absence of professional help make me an alcoholic?
I guess the most difficult thing has been thinking that by applying for SS and standing up and saying, YES I AM SICK I would be giving up on myself...I want so much to do better that I just keep hoping it will magically go away by some force of my will so I can once again support myself and my kids and approach life with the dignity I once enjoyed.
I received SDI for the max of a year.....now I am receiving AFDC aka CALWORKS to maintain life. It is so demoralizing every time I approach the grocery checkout line in my small town. I owe the local dentist money and I owe the mechanic money. I find myself in front of them in line, and make these hard-working people wait while the checker cheerfully, but oh so sloooooooooooowly counts out, lays out and stamps the back of $200 worth of foodstamps. All the while my 9 year old son is asking me, what are those mom....
AJ....wish I could be more help. I can only offer my empathy. I have tried to find a lawyer myself, but even aside from the alcohol thing, I haven't found anyone willing to take on a 'mental disability' case. Maybe that will change with the completion of the Genome Project....I think a lot of things are going to change then, its almost scary.
Please let me know how things turn out, and don't let the bureaucracy get you down, I've heard that it is the norm for initial requests for to be rejected.
If this sounds like senseless, pointless whining to any of you.....please keep your opinion to yourself. At least I feel better now ;)
I've spent so much time reading through the archives of this discussion, that I can't continue without making myself known. I have found many beautiful, real people here. I have been inspired captured by this community.... yes, that's it, community. Isn't that what we all need to heal. When I've done time (it felt like prision), and the "learned" studied me....no matter how AWEFUL the institution, my greatest learning came from relating to the other "patients" and feeling a sense of community. For the first time since my last release, nearly 3 years ago,this site has literally and figurativly brought that sense of community home for me. We need each other, and I treasure you all.
I don't really know what to say now, not that I had anything comprehensible to say before. I'm interested in philosophy so, I read this book last summer and I fell in love with it. The "must says" were so powerful that I have read them all several times so I could properly analyze them and apply them to my life and life in general. Also, equally enthralling, was the plot of the story and the mystery that surrounded the events and people involved. I would really love to just sit down and talk with Jeremy because my life feels so empty sometimes (I have bipolar disorder as well) and he seems like he is just so full of wisdom and life, ready to dispense it to others who are willing to listen and even ones who are not. Thank you for sharing Jeremy's story, it has positively influenced my life.
This is a good site with a lot of info to offer people.
Dave~friends are a hard thing to find. i'm pretty much a loner so i don't have many. that and it is hard for me to trust people now-a-days. i don't remember who i was talking to but i remember them saying that when you are older you really don't go to hang out with your friends, and you really dont make many friends, you may get along with co-workers or something, but its not like it is in high school and college. i look at my parents and they only keep in touch with two of their friends from high school. they really dont have 'friends' that they can go to when they have problems. but it never hurts to try to make friends with someone right? my only true true friend is my brother. yeah i have a best friend, but i dont trust her like i do my brother. plus my brother has known me for all of my life. for some reason our minds do like to play tricks on us, and i know its not that enjoyable. i'm not sure why it does it, but all i can tell you is that all you can pretty much do is try to take the control of your mind back. thats what i've been trying to do. and i got some of it back. i wish i could just wave a magic wand and make everything better you know? but such is life (and it pretty much sucks). *big hugs*
Amber, I hope that life isn't laughing at us. We have enough trouble without having people laughing at us. I truly need a friend tonight. I'm soo confused. I realized that other than my wife, I really have no friends. My mind is turning on me and I don't know what to do.
First time user, long time sufferer. Got a pretty accuate diagnosis about a year ago. But I have a huge PROBLEM THAT NEEDS AN ANSWER A.S.A.P. During all the years of misdiagnosis I have been treated for simple depression, sever, PTSD--the list goes on. It got to the point where I finally acted on my suicidal thoughts and washed a handful of my many kinds of drugs down with 1/2 a bottle of rum. By the time my husband got to me I was a blubering
mess of humanity. I was hospitalized and put on Depakote. It sort of works, but here's the current issue: since I used alcohol to wash down the pills, upon my releaseI was put in a woman's group. Everyone but me was in there for multiple DUIs. During all those weeks of group therapy I admitted that at times I used alcohol in addition to my meds when the pain was so overwhelming.
Eventually a more appropriate group was found for. It still doesn't deal directly with bi-polar but PTSD, a close cousin.
Here's the problem. I applied for Social Security because I am debilitated, not from alcohol abuse but from being bipolar, suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome-PTSD. I have tried many jobs and failed and at 52 yrs. old no one is going to hire someone with shakiy hands, fatigue, looks and acts drugged-youall know what I mean.
So anyway. My first SS hearing I was denied, but it was prior to my bipolar diagnosis. I immediately filed an appeal but no lawyer will help me because now my records include stuff from the first women's group saying I am also an alcoholic.
Apparently there is some federal law that prevents former alcoholics (which I contend I'm not)from recevieving disability. I'm screwed! I always told my doctors and therapists the truth or what seemed to be true to my hazy mind.
So what do I do? I uderstand the law, but there doesn'tseem to be any leeway for those of us who fall through the cracks.
My last crack at winning my case is going to be March 10 with me representing myself. All advice and ideas are appreciated. If you happen to know an excellent lawyer who either takes on hopeless cases and/or SS appeals, please let me know. Thanks aj
Dave~ sometimes i just want to give up, but i'm in too deep that i cant. i have so many problems and stresses of my own that my friends' problems start to annoy me, because they are about little things. for instance Kim was upset because he crush didnt like her back and she acted like it was the end of the world. she's only talked to this guy for like one week. yeah i understand she will be upset about it, but things can always be worse. she kept complaining about how hard its gonna be to see him with someone else and blah blah blah and that i would never understand. when its the complete opposite. i had to go through that with dan for 10 months, that was complete hell to me. and i have so many scars on my leg because of that too. one happy thing is that me and dan are back together though. i'm scared that things will wind up like how they were before..hell. i'm so afraid that he's just gonna up right leave me because of the past (past wasnt good at all) so many worries, so much stress. do you think life finds humor in this?
Looking at the intriguing "must says", I stumbled upon the "ego" must say. I must say :) that i do agree with the fact that one must seperate themselves from their ego from time to time to se what REALLY is out there. So many people just do not REALIZE what is right in front of them. Like this website for instance.. it is almost comical. God bless you all!
-Mel
Amber, I know what you mean by up and down. So far this year everything has gone wrong. I keep hoping things will start to look up but then something else goes wrong. I feel bad enough without having additional stresses in my life. Hugs to you and I hope things look up for you soon.
Dave~ things could be better. It's quite the rollercoaster ride at the moment. everything seems to be crumbling down or going haywire. just wish things would settle down you know? i hope you are doing better though. *hugs*
Amber, that was me and I hope you are doing OK
Let's see if this post will go through. i'm guessing that was dave at that post below about me. i tried posting back but it didnt work. but same to you (even though its a lil late) hope things are getting better for you. *hugs*
Hey I really like your site. I have found some of the information here
helpfull. Thanks :)
Joe D.
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